Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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