i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
