He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I want a musical about memes.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
