Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize