It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
