Cold hands, warm shart.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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