i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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