I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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