Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
