I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
