Buhtt sex?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
