Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize