I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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