brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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