Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
