Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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