She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
