She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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