Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You are the jesus of drinking
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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