If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
