Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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