Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
