Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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