Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
