right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
