I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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