Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
