Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
