John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
