I want to walk on stilts...naked
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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