i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
