Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
