your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
