May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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