I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
