the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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