I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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