Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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