I was born with a shot glass in my hand
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
