They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
