Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
