how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
