just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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