No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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