The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize