I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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