Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
