Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
