Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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