Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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