you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
