Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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