U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
