Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
