The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
