We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
