Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
