i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
