I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
