She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
