i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
