i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
